What can you expect in the first month with a baby?

In the first month you hear from all sides what you should be doing. The honest answer is that the rest can wait.

Two goals, in this order

Look after yourself. This comes first on purpose, and it applies to the whole postpartum period. You need rest and time for yourself to get through this beautiful and draining phase, and without it the second goal won't work either.

Get to know your baby. What do those movements, those little cries, that look mean? Play detective. In these weeks, that's your whole job.

And: accept help. People offer it because they mean it and because they want to take something off your plate. You don't have to do this perfectly or alone.

What you can let go

Comparing. Every baby is different and needs different things. It only leads to insecurity.

High expectations about how it's supposed to go. Look instead at what your child needs.

A strict sleep training schedule. This is about trust and building a bond. See also whether you can create bad habits: in this phase, you can't.

Why the bucket fills up so fast

A newborn still lives entirely from the primitive brain, in fight-or-flight mode. Self-soothing isn't possible yet, and everything there is to see, hear and smell is new. That's why overstimulation comes quickly and you're the safe harbor. More in why a baby can't calm down yet.

Four things to build this month

1. The sleep space. Dark, with white noise. See setting up the nursery.
2. A small sleep ritual, very slowly. Experiment with the order that suits your family.
3. Preventing overstimulation, with the three-hour rule.
4. Enough feeds during the day, so hunger is the alarm clock less often at night.

Your checklist for this month then reads: at least eight feeds per 24 hours, a few short moments of tummy time every day, that sleep space, the start of a ritual, keeping the afternoon calm, and at least one moment for yourself.

Small daily rhythms

These don't have to be obligations, and they're the cheapest things you can do.

Go for a short walk in the morning. Moving together feels good, and daylight helps get the internal clock going, which isn't there yet. That's also why a newborn sleep schedule with fixed clock times doesn't steer anything yet.

Practice tummy time from the start, a few times a day and not for long: one to five minutes is enough. It strengthens the neck, shoulders and arms, and it helps prevent a flat spot on the head. Every diaper change is a moment: just count to ten.

And introduce a lovey now, during diaper changes and play. That costs nothing now and pays off later, when you start sleep coaching and that familiar thing is already there.

One tip that gives more than you think

Put your phone away while feeding and putting your baby to bed. Not because you're supposed to, but because those are the moments you learn the most. What are those eyes, that face saying?

Sometimes it's boring. Over time it makes you faster at reading the cues, and in the end that saves you energy.

And the golden rule

You can't spoil a baby at this age by responding too much. Cuddle, carry, respond. See whether you can spoil a baby.

If it's getting too much, that's part of it and there's something you can do: how to keep going.