I'm exhausted. How do I keep going?

Everyone asks how the baby is doing. Almost nobody asks how you're doing. And that's exactly the question here: how are you, and what have you done for yourself lately?

Getting overtired yourself happens faster than you think, especially in the postpartum weeks. Many parents, and especially many mothers, think they have to handle everything alone. That otherwise they're not a good mother. That's not true, and on top of that it's the shortest route to an empty battery.

Self-care is baby care

This isn't a nice slogan. It also works the other way around: a baby senses tension, and a parent running on fumes has a harder time calming someone else.

In the first month there are really only two goals. Looking after yourself, and getting to know your baby. In that order.

The challenge

Not an hour a day, no weekend away. One moment. It can be small, and small is enough. There are three directions:

• Get out for a bit. Outside, a short walk alone, some fresh air, or a date together.
• A moment of rest. Deliberately doing nothing. Breathing exercises, a meditation, your favorite show, or just sitting.
• Get moving. In a way that feels good: stretching, walking, dancing, working out, listening to music.

The point isn't which of the three you choose. The point is that it's there, just as firmly as the feeds and the tummy time. In the checklist for the first month, that one self-care moment simply sits among the rest. Not as a reward afterwards, but as part of the week.

What you can let go of in this phase

Accept help. People offer it because they mean it, and they really want to lighten your load. Welcome that. Accepting help often feels like falling short, but it isn't. You don't have to do this perfectly and you don't have to do it alone, and neither makes you a less good parent.

Stop comparing. Someone else's baby sleeps through the night, and yours doesn't yet. Every baby is unique and needs different things. Comparing only brings insecurity, and changes nothing about what your child needs.

Let go of the strict schedule. Especially at the start, this isn't about a sleep training schedule but about trust and building a bond. Gentle rhythms are enough. What does help you get a grip without rushing yourself: look at wake windows instead of the clock.

Put your phone away when feeding and putting your baby to bed. Not because you're supposed to, but because those are the moments you learn the most about your baby. What are those eyes, that face saying. Sometimes it's boring. Over time it makes you faster at reading the cues, and in the end that saves you energy.

When the crying is at its hardest

There are periods when this asks an unfair amount. Part of that has a name and, more importantly, an end: PURPLE crying. Knowing it's a phase doesn't make it quiet, but it does make it more bearable.

You're doing amazing. Take time for you.

If you're still in the first weeks, it helps to know what to expect in the first month.