Why does my baby suddenly cry when I leave the room?

Last month it went fine at grandma's, and now your baby is suddenly inconsolable there. Lots of crying, at daycare too, or with a good friend. And at bedtime you notice the same thing. What has changed is what your child understands.

What the crying means

Kyra sums it up like this: crying is your baby looking for you. Your baby has figured out that you're their safe person, and you notice it exactly at the moments they're with someone else. How that safe base is built, you can read in building secure attachment.

For family, there's a tip that goes with it. Don't take it personally. It's part of it, and it's a beautiful milestone.

What changes around five months

Around the fifth month you see the first signs of separation anxiety, and underneath sits a new insight: object permanence. When you walk out of the room, your baby starts to understand that you still exist, even though they can't see you. At the same pace, it sinks in that they're a person of their own, separate from you.

That's all brand new, and so it's also scary. And that's why it plays a part at bedtime, because that's when you say goodbye.

Feeling safe and growing independent go together

It seems contradictory. Your baby is learning step by step to settle on their own, and at the same time still seeks out your safety. Kyra puts it this way: it's both, and they belong together. The safer your baby feels, the easier it gets to self-soothe.

So it's completely normal that your baby still really needs you close. What that self-soothing looks like, you can read in how your baby learns to self-soothe.

What doesn't work

Sneaking out. Tempting the moment your baby looks away, but don't: always say goodbye on purpose and never slip away.

Dragging out the goodbye doesn't work either. Make it too long and you often end up upsetting your baby. Keeping it short, sweet and predictable is what prevents a meltdown. And watch yourself too: don't get upset yourself.

What does work: a fixed goodbye

Link a short, fixed routine to saying goodbye and to coming back. A lovely example is the bumblebee kiss on the nose: a little kiss on the nose, with something with your fingers. They can be tiny things, as long as your child recognizes them every time.

Through repetition your baby learns: this is goodbye, and at some point you come back. That gives predictability, calm and safety.

When someone else takes over

If you're going to daycare or a babysitter is coming, a gentle handover comes down to four steps.

1. Be cheerful. Your baby reads your social cues and looks at your face for them. So show that you fully trust this person.
2. Stay close. Keep holding your baby a little while you talk with the sitter, and play together for a bit. That way the transition goes gradually.
3. Hand over calmly. Pass your baby over without rushing, and let their familiar comfort blanket come along.
4. Always say goodbye. On purpose, however short, and never sneakily.

These four steps aren't just for daycare. The same goodbye helps at bedtime too.

A lovey that carries the safety

This is also a good moment to introduce a lovey or a small blanket, during the day and at bedtime. Kyra talks about her own daughters, who can't do without their bunnies: those go everywhere. A lovey like that gives safety at the moments you're not there. How to introduce one, you can read in when the old tricks stop working.

The baby who watches from a distance

Some babies find goodbyes harder, or they watch from a distance first. Every baby has their own temperament, and if your child needs more time to warm up to a new face, that's normal.

Don't force anything then. Hold your baby as long as they need it and let them set the pace, step by step. It passes. More on matching your approach to their nature: temperament and sleep coaching.

Be patient with yourself too

Patience with your baby is half of it. The other half is patience with yourself, and that's how Kyra ends the lesson too. Every small step counts, and together you lay the loving foundation that better nights grow from.

Where it fits

What else is going on in your baby's development, you can read in leap 5 and leap 6.

In a toddler, bedtime fear takes a different form: see afraid of the dark.

Sleeping somewhere else is a separate story, next to the goodbye itself: see sleeping at someone else's place.

And keep a close eye on the wake windows for the age, so you see in time when your baby is ready for sleep: wake windows by age.