What is purple crying?

You had just found a rhythm. And then the crying started, for hours, without a clear reason, and nothing that always worked works anymore.

This has a name, and it's a known phase. Many parents hear the word colic in these weeks, while something else is going on.

What it is

The hallmark is that the crying isn't about anything. Not hunger, not a full diaper, not tired. It comes unexpectedly, it's inconsolable, and whether you walk, rock, feed or hold: nothing changes.

Why it happens

Two things come together.

The senses develop fast, and so everything there is to see, hear and feel suddenly comes in much harder. The world gets intense.

And at the same time the protection disappears. In the first weeks, your baby could shut off when it got too much, which we call habituation. That mechanism now fades. So more comes in, with fewer means to filter it out.

What you do first

Rule out the ordinary things before concluding it's this phase:

• When was the last feed?
• Dirty diaper?
• Is it too warm?
• Is there overstimulation, did a lot happen today?

If all of that checks out and the crying goes on, this is probably where you are.

Kyra went through it herself

She's open about it: with her youngest daughter she went through this, and with her first not at all. She didn't know what was happening.

That's exactly why it hits so hard. You can have two children and go through this with only one of them, and then there's also no one around you who recognizes it.

The most dangerous moment, and what you do then

Feeling frustration with a baby who cries for hours is normal. Everyone feels it. It's no sign you're a bad parent.

Losing control, though, is dangerous. A baby must never be shaken.

That's why Kyra has a concrete agreement for this, and you make it beforehand, not in the moment itself:

1. Stop and put down. In the crib, safely on the back. A crying baby in a safe crib is okay.
2. Walk away. To another room. Count to ten. Breathe.
3. Come back when you're calm, or let your partner take over.

Agree on this together before it comes to that. Who takes over, and how do you say you've had enough for a moment.

It passes

That isn't empty comfort, it's how this phase works: it builds, it peaks, it fades. Knowing it's a period and not a new reality makes it more bearable.

If you're unsure whether the crying comes from somewhere else, or it doesn't fit your child, call your doctor or pediatrician.

Two things to put next to this phase: an alert baby cries more intensely and longer anyway, and during a Wonder Weeks leap you see the same three signs.

And if the crying wears you down: how to keep going.