How do I calm my crying baby?

You've rocked, shushed, tried the pacifier and walked a lap around the room. Every comforting method you know to settle your baby, one after the other. The crying goes on, and you start to doubt whether you're doing it right.

That list is exactly the problem.

First: this can't be done alone yet

A baby who is upset can't bring themselves back to calm. That isn't unwillingness and it isn't character; the ability simply isn't there yet. That's why you're the safe base, and your job is to guide your baby back to calm.

That also means something uncomfortable about you: your calm is the tool. If you're tense yourself, your baby feels it and it gets harder. Breathe out once yourself first.

It does come eventually, step by step, and every time that calm state is felt, the way there gets easier. But it doesn't happen overnight. See why a baby can't calm down yet.

The five S's as a starting point

Dr. Harvey Karp lined up five ways, and they're a fine place to start:

• Swaddling, against the startle reflex. Until when is in when to stop swaddling.
• Side position, especially with cramps.
• Shushing, with your voice or with white noise.
• Swinging, in your arms, the carrier or the stroller.
• Sucking, on a pacifier or at the breast.

There are five of them, and they're not a step-by-step plan. You don't need to work through them.

The mistake everyone makes

Too much at once, and switching too fast.

If rocking doesn't work within a minute, you grab the pacifier, then you switch on the white noise, then you walk outside. The result: afterwards you don't know what worked, and more and more stimulation gets added. That's exactly what makes an upset child even more restless.

Pick one thing and give it time. Do it calmly, stay with it, and see whether it settles. If it doesn't work, try something else next time. That way you build a toolbox in a few weeks instead of guessing again every evening.

Every baby wants something different

Kyra's oldest, Sienna, calmed down from being rocked on her tummy. Her second, Celeste, wanted nothing to do with that: she wanted to be upright, walked around, softly sung to. Same parent, same house, opposite answer.

That's why there's no list that solves it for you. What there is: watching your child and remembering what worked.

Why a toolbox and not one trick

If there's only one way that works, you're the only one who can do it, always. With several ways your partner can do it too, and the babysitter, and you on an evening when the first way doesn't work.

That isn't a luxury. It's the difference between an evening you carry together and an evening that all lands on you. And it makes a difference in what the crying does to you.