What does my baby's crying mean?

All cries sound almost the same. That isn't your failing, that's just how it is. A newborn doesn't yet have different sounds for different needs.

Still, there's a way to know what's going on. Only it isn't in the sound, but in the cues that come before.

Crying is the last signal

This is the insight everything rests on: your baby is talking long before the crying starts. It builds up in three steps.

• Early cues. Subtle and calm. This is the moment to respond.
• Middle cues. Restless, wriggly. It's getting urgent.
• Crying. Alarm. Now something has to happen, and getting calm back takes longer.

If you only step in at the crying, you're structurally too late. Not because that's harmful, but because it's unnecessarily hard for both of you.

Two questions that usually solve it

Before you start guessing, ask yourself these two:

1. When was the last feed, and when the last nap?
2. How old is your baby?

Those two together rule out most of it. A baby who fed twenty minutes ago and has been awake an hour and a half is probably not hungry.

The four needs, with their cues

Hunger

A newborn feeds every two to three hours. After three months, that becomes three to four hours.

• Early: smacking the lips, mouth wide open, rooting with the head
• Middle: stretching, wiggling, sucking on the hands, sucking motions
• Late: crying

So crying doesn't nearly always mean hunger. It often means you missed the first two.

Tired

Here, the wake window is your compass. In the first month that's 45 minutes to an hour and a half.

• Early: glazed eyes, slower movements, staring at nothing in particular
• Middle: yawning, rubbing eyes, jerky movements
• Late: crying

See wake windows by age for the other phases.

Discomfort

A full diaper, dressed too warm or too cold, a seam that pinches. The quick check you do in twenty seconds.

Boredom

Even small babies get bored. They want to see something new. Another room, another view, your face.

And if it's none of these

You've gone through all four and nothing fits. The crying goes on, inconsolable, and nothing works.

Around two months, that can be the purple crying phase, a normal developmental period in which crying peaks. And look at the hours before too: an overstimulated baby often cries inconsolably afterwards.

If the crying keeps going and doesn't match what you know of your child, call your doctor or pediatrician. That's not an overreaction.

If you almost never see the early cues in your child, that's probably not down to you. With an alert baby they're often hidden, because your baby fights right through the tiredness.

The phase just before crying is one too, and that one is actually useful: what drowsy but awake means.

And once the crying has started: how to bring calm back.